Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize