Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize