my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
