i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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