In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
handjob tips. give me some.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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