K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
you made out with another girl for some wings
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
