you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
she peed on how many people?
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
