we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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