the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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