the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
