I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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