I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
