Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
