I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
