Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
