My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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