Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
