Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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