My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Is Oprah even human
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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