What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Randomize