i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
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