my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
