he shaved USA in his pubs
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Randomize
