can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Randomize
