just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
