Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Randomize
