9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
