i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
