i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
