in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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