Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
this must be what syphilis tastes like
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
