I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
