I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
