when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Randomize
