Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
