So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
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