Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
