So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
