Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
