ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
