i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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