and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
