the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
