You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
