just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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