Need sex. Gaining weight.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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