I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
