I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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