Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
