I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Randomize
