my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
