the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
