apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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