First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
