Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize